you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My breasts were aching with rage.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
