i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
