I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
