last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
