There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
