I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
