i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Couch. On fire.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
