I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I had to cum in my sink.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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