Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
