i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
