I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
