I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
