I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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