I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
