i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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