You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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