Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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