you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
