I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
