I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
