2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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