hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
