Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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