watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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