last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
