i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
