2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
