No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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