I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize