I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
