went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
