yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
