I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize