Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize