I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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