Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
send nudes
from the living room?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize