I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
