hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
