I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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