Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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