no, he came in my armpit
We named our party play list daddy issues
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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