We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Randomize
