the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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