Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
