Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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