My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
