so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
time to smoke my breakfast
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
