I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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