How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize