he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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