He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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