Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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