He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Randomize
