Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
