1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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