her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
