sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
