Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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