I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
