How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
