I haven't been this sober since birth.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
