I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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