someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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