I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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