I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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