I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
