I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
