Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
