my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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