Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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