I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
