On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
